Saturday, April 27, 2013

Yes, there must be 50 ways

to leave your lover. Hey that's Jay Ashby on trombone ...



but there are at least 101 Ways to Say "Died" in an epitaph, and they are all collected at the Vast Public Indifference Website.

I like this kind of list-making stuff (obviously), but I also like the idea that people used to go to the trouble to think of epitaphs. What would mine be?

Killed by the Fall of a Tree?

Slain by the Enemy?

Went Rejoycing Out of This World (which is how many doped-up seniors exit the Senior Center i'm sure and more power to them I say)

Perished in a Storm?

Killed by a cart? Killed by a wagon?

Lost at sea? Hung?

Fall from a tree (quite likely, actually)

Found lashed to the mast of my sunken and ill-fated vessel? (I wish)

Died . . . From Stabs Inflicted With a Knife (highly unlikely, as I am better than I might look in a knife fight, at least I think I am, and I'm usually right about such things, but not always)

Basely Assassinated? (this is not likely but, sadly, not unimaginable)

Frozen to Death (I've dreamed of this) (Jack London's fault?) (also of drowning in a frozen lake when I've fallen through the ice and can't find the air hole (thank you Minnesota!))

Received a Mortal Wound to My Head?

Killed by Lightning? (Well we're always told this is more likely than whatever else we're worried about)

Casually Shot? (what, has John Travolta got me to rights in Pulp Fiction? The anon person who ordered and paid for this inscription was clearly a poet, now deceased, admittedly, as will you be, as will I be and soon enough)

Removed By a Dysentery? Not a good way to be removed, as anyone with Crohn's would agree.

Blown up by the asshole spawn of The Loathsome Jihad Harpy of Chechnya? Not listed, but it could be.

No comments: